Blah-Capella

I often find myself not ready for bed and on the couch watching TV. 100% of these times I find myself waking up on the couch with the TV still on. Annoying to my wife? Extremely. Usually when I wake up I cannot just “go back to sleep” so I continue this awful pattern all night.

Last night I got sucked into Rocky. Of course I fell asleep during the last 30 minutes. I woke up long after the movie was over. Unable to fall back asleep and with nothing to watch, I looked to my old friend the DVR. What I found at the top of the list was Sing Off. The wife and I both were excited to see this. Let me pause here to explain, that I absolutely despise these types of shows. Let me say this again. I hate singing, dancing, and talent competitions to the max. I do however have a soft spot for some really good a capella. That’s basically what this show is. It revolves around singing groups competing against each other. Joe and I have had some hilarious conversations about collegiate singing groups, that were inspired by Mr. Andy Bernard from the office. I later learned from Joe ( a man of proud colors) that Cornell does indeed have numerous singing groups. Needless to say, I thought this show could be good. In an attempt to ridicule the show and most of its participants without creating some sort of lame “Sing Off Blog” I will give you my thoughts on this gem.

The show is your basic commercial packed, competition. Luckily, I had the ability to fast forward and used it like crazy. The host was Nick Lachey from “Why did I marry this woman” fame. It was a pretty basic format. Intro to the group with some sort of sad story they needed to overcome, performance by group, judging of said group, commercial break, and repeat. The judges were some guy from Boyz II Men, some girl from the Pussy Cat Dolls and Ben Folds of Five fame. Ben Folds and the Man who was once a boy seemed to know what they were talking about while the lead Pussy Cat Doll only blurted out sentence fragments that included words like “That was tight”. I’ll have to say I was really disappointed by the lack of creativity in the group names. Face? Solo? The So Cals? Where’s the Do Ray-Migos? Where’s Here Comes Treble? The groups also came off way to showy.   I think the attractiveness of the college singing groups is that they are just college dudes singing in harmony. No, dance routine, no choreography. This was more like a concert featuring the Where in the World is Carmen San Diego group Rock-a-Pella.

Here’s a brief rundown of the groups.

Beelzebubs- Probably the closest to the college format. Been together for a really long time. Seems like a super group that changes line ups as soon as someone gets their English degree.

Maxx Factor- These ladies make me laugh every time I see their picture. It’s four ladies singing like a barber shop quartet. They seems like something out of SNL.

Solo-What kind of name is this for a group? This is the real heartbreaker of the show. Poor kids from Omaha that need money. Pretty good singers. Reminds me of Sister Act.

Voices of Lee- Wow. These are the kids that actually get made fun of. Bright colored outfits. Huge petroleum jelly smeared teeth. The whole shebang.

The Socals- Did you guys think of that on your own? Because I totally get it. You guys are all from Southern California. Clever.

BYU Noteworthy- These girls stated they shy away from songs with suggestive or profane language. It’s to bad too, because I wanted them to sing that one Risqay song. How does it go Karly?

Nota- These guys are from Puerto Rico. Pretty good. I was disappointed by their heart wrenching story as it was about one of their wives getting H1N1.

Face- These guys weren’t bad, so I was disappointed to learn their fate. I don’t want to give anything away. All that I will say is that they are no longer on the show.

This should be the last I will write about this show because I never plan to watch it again. Ben Folds and one of the Boyz are pretty cool though.

Open letter to Winter Holidays

Dear Winter Holidays,

Let me first apologize for the lack of title when I address you. I am honestly not sure if you are a Mr. or Mrs. Perhaps you spent a number of years going to school to earn the title Dr. Holidays. So again, I apologize. For the sake of this letter I hope you don’t mind me addressing you as W.H.

Let me begin by saying, thank you for a wonderful excuse to see relatives and have many parties. I do enjoy getting together with friends and family at least once a year, if not more. I will be the first to admit that there is always a good reason for a party. While you provide my family and me with some really fun times, I feel that I must address a few concerns.

First, just who do you think you are? If you haven’t noticed, you drive people crazy. Just because you bring people together and fun times are had by all, gives you no excuse to make people turn into savages. One could argue that you are not fully responsible and people do this on their own. I might agree slightly. I would however argue that you are responsible for last-minute sales, overly decorated offices and obnoxious people becoming more obnoxious by wearing sleigh bells and santa hats. I’ll let you in on a secret. People would visit their relatives once a year even if you didn’t show your face every winter. As a matter of fact it might be cheaper for us to fly and visit our families without your influence.

Second, when did you sell out? After you’re finished taking a good look at your self, take a good look at some more modest holidays. I’ve never had to write a letter like this to Martin Luther King Day or Presidents Day. They haven’t sold out. If holidays were rock bands, you would be Green Day, while Martin Luther King Day and Presidents Day would be Fugazi and Black Flag. Of course these two also have ridiculous sales, but have you ever seen one of these sales start at 4am? These  two are mostly modest and yet we still get a long weekend to visit friends and family. In keeping with the rock band analogy, I believe you have lost touch with your roots. I would prefer not to get into the logistics of what you used to stand for and how people view you. From where I’m standing, it looks like you are all about the Benjamins, so to speak.

Third, lets discuss the presents. Did you think you were being sneaky when you suggested presents as a way to show goodwill towards man? What about those who get eight little presents instead of a Playstation? I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have a ten-dollar bill than a roll of quarters. You’re not fooling me, and soon others will open their eyes too.

I would appreciate your thoughtful consideration as you read this letter.

On a completely unrelated note, the wife and I just got a new flat screen TV and it would be really awesome if we had a Blu-Ray player to go with it. Also, I could use a real miracle around Superbowl weekend? I’ll be in Vegas and could use even a small favor at the black jack tables. Maybe even just a hint at who will win this year. Last, could you teach whoever stole my bike a lesson? I still don’t know who did it, but I’m sure you can work your magic and find out.

Sincerely,

Andy

Holiday Hazzards

 

Finals will be over next week. Then I will have more free time. Let’s face it I have plenty of free time. Studying was never my cup of tea. I generally prefer a nice Earl Grey or just your basic English Breakfast. Okay another lie. I’m more of a coffee man.

 I took one final today and probably did better on that then I did on any of my other tests. I got the final grade (not test, overall grade) for two classes today and was a little surprised. I walked away with a mid-B in both classes. I can’t help but think that if I studied at all, the instructor would notice my brilliance and ask me to go home immediately and catch up on my Net Flix.

I’m not here to brag about how smart I am. I’m very modest. I was inspired by an article I saw on MSN today. It’s about the potential pet hazards around the holidays. I will admit I read it the same way I read my accounting book. Mostly it warns that there are many dangers around your house during the holidays. It’s your basic, “watch out for this” “don’t feed them that” scare tactic. If you want to know the real dangers of the holidays for HUMANS read carefully.

• Holiday Parties 

These always seem innocent. Friends, wonderful food, and warm drinks always seem like great ideas. What most people don’t know is that while holiday parties can be fun, they can also cause a lot of painful side effects. Watch out for those pesky acquaintances that you only see once a year at these functions. Remember, there is probably a reason you don’t talk to them during the rest of the year. Sure after a couple of Egg Nogs and some shots of  fine Brandy to spice them up, it sounds like a great idea to start a band with your neighbors cousin. Don’t forget, strangers who agree to start bands with random people are either completely hammered or are trying to make a shirt out of human hair.(1) Plus, the world does not need another country-style Yes cover band. An overlooked part of holiday parties is the next day. While I never drink enough to be hung over, I see many people who do. (2) The thing to remember is that hang overs are nothing to be ashamed of. Unless of course the party falls on a work night or the night before your nephew’s baptism. The best way to cover for a situation like this is to lay the ground work first. Never tell co-workers that you are going to a Holiday party after work. Even if you work in one of those innovative offices that are “cool” about that sort of thing, there is always someone who is looking for bloodshot eyes and a whiff of Bushmill’s. Instead, make a point of telling all of your co-workers  and boss that you are feeling tired and achy and are just going to get take out and catch up on your Net Flix.(3) When you call in the next day, no one will be the wiser. If you are in a situation like a baptism, do the same as you would for work just make some substitutions. Swap co-worker and boss for brother and sister-in-law. If by chance you are the godmother/godfather find out what the church’s beliefs are in regards to tele-conferences and/or web cams.

If you use this information correctly, you will be ensuring a safer holiday for you and your family.

Watch for more upcoming holiday hazard advice.

1. There’s always the option that you are the one that is trying to make a human hair shirt. If that’s the case, I’ve always liked you and defended your honor. You go man!

2. See what I did there? Oh, wait. keep reading.

3. Now you see what I did there? Forget it.

Tell me everything.

I’m not sure if it’s the window view I have or the fact that I just plain do not like work, but I seem to be the most inspired to add to this while I’m here. In case anyone was concerned, I will be trying to update this thing daily. My blog partner is preparing for a trip across the pond and immediately following, a move and new job across the country. Let’s see how productive blog wise we will be once we live in the same city.

For some reason, I seem to attract friendly people. Sure almost everyone is somewhat friendly. Even the man who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the biggest stick up his keester is friendly to someone. When I say I attract, I don’t mean it in the sense of  ”Oh, baby your so hot”. That tends to not happen. I mean I somehow attract people who feel like I would be a good person to talk to. About anything. For those that don’t know, I’m a talker and an enduring one at that. So, it’s not completely surprising that I manage to meet people in the most unusual circumstances. Some of the most recent would be Pizza Pete, the proprietor of the pizza joint downstairs from my sister-in-law’s place and the many friends I have made in the parking lot during tailgate parties. Who says spending the weekend in an RV for the weekend while being parked in a parking lot is a bad idea? (It was amazing, like a little society of parking lot dwellers. I’ll blog about that another time.) I’m all for meeting new people, but it’s when I’m not in that “mode” that it becomes annoying and in some cases funny. Sure, I could tell you about airplane rides where the guy next to me has a case of the “get to know yous” when I obviously don’t care about his towing and wrecking business and have a book in my hand. Or when the little girl next to me is so excited her brother has to sit with her mom and dad and she finally gets her own seat, that she feels the need to quiz me on my favorite color, middle name, and what I am going to order when they, in her words, dispense the drinks. All the while, I have a raging case of the Irish Flu and am just trying to get a little shut-eye on the way to Dallas. Ironically, the wife and I became so impressed with this Dakota Fanning-esque girl we could not shut up about Grace (she introduced herself as Grace, but we refered to her Gracie after hearing her dad address her) all Thanksgiving weekend. We probably sounded like creeps.

The phenomenon I truly cannot explain is when random people walk up to me and try to engage in a long drawn out conversation. Long and strange. One instance started with ditching out of work and a small prank. Once, while we were still dating the wife and I decided to stay home from work. I’m sure it was that pesky flu again. We had a nice day planned. Saggios for lunch and then to head over to the campus to meet up with a friend between her classes. We called said friend and told her we would meet her on a specific set of stairs. As we walked up, we noticed she couldn’t see us coming from behind her. I got the great idea to startle her and I was unsuccessful.  The three of us decided to sit near the duck pond. After a discussion of whether a male duck is called a mallard or not, I saw a shadow coming from behind me. I thought “Here comes karma to prank me”. I looked over at my cohorts and they both had a nervous smile. Before I could turn around, I felt a thumping on my head. I finally turned enough to see a man who was knocking his fist in a rock-paper-scissors sort of way on the top of my head. He then began to sing a song along with it. 

“I’m just sitting here talking to these girls, then here comes a black man bonking me on the head. Who’s this negro bonking me on the head.”

I’m not sure if he made it up or if it was just an extremely appropriate song for the situation that I have not heard. I also found it odd that he did not stop ”bonking” until I physically moved my head to the side. He then asked us how were doing and if he could talk to me alone. In his words, “Holla at you”. I guess I should clarify that he was not intimidating looking. He seemed like he could have been a chairperson of one of the college’s departments. He was dressed in a nice suit and was clean-cut. Still, I refused his invitation. Mainly because it seemed like some sort of a trick.  I said no about two or three times to which he replied,

 ”I know how it is, if I were sitting with two pretty white girls, I wouldn’t get up and talk to a black man in a suit either.” 

The situation was so wierd I didn’t know what to say. He then walked off and I could see he was approaching another young man about 50 yards away. Right after all of this, I hated myself for not getting up and finding out what he wanted to holler at me about. If I would have found out maybe this story wouldn’t end right here.

The next incident happened just yesterday. I was just leaving my last class for the day when a man walked up to me and asked me something. He obviously was unaware of the black wires attached to my ears, so I took out my head phones and asked him to repeat. This is sort of how the conversation went, which ended up leaving me more than confused and a little uneasy. Keep in mind, this man looked pretty normal.

Man: Do you go here?

Me: yeah.

Man: What is it?

Me: It’s a community college.

Man: So it’s not a minimum security place?

Me: No, it’s a community college.

Man: Oh, I thought it was some sort of minimum security place. Why are there all sorts of signs saying ‘No Traspassing’?

Me: I guess because it’s private property and they don’t want people trespassing.

Man: So it is a minimum security place.

Me: No, it’s just a college. I think most colleges try to stop people from trespassing, you know so there’s not anything going on, and well, you know, I bet UNM has signs like that, and, um….actually I have no idea why they have signs like that sorry.

Man: So, what are you taking?

Me: Just basic classes like Math, History you know.

Man: Hmmm, okay. So, it’s like a state funded college?

Me: Yeah, I think so.

Man: So you said you are taking basic math? What’s that?

Me: No, basic classes like math, history, accounting. Stuff like that.

Man: How far in are you?

Me: About a year.

Man: Huh. Do you mind if I ask you another question?

Me: Sure.

Man: How much does it cost to go here?

Me: It’s pretty inexpensive.

Man: Like how much. Like how much do you owe?

Me: Not too much.

Man: Like how much? If you had to put a number on it. How much do you owe?

Me: Less than $10,000.

Man: Less than $10,000?

Me: Yeah.

Man: So is there any way to defer that?

Me: Like, not pay for it at all? No. You can defer loans as long as you’re in school, but you have to pay them back unless you get a grant or something.

Man: What if you join the military and pretend to work for them and have them pay for school.

Me: I don’t know.

Man: Okay, what if you join the military and actually work for them and go to school at the same time and they pay for it.

Me: Yeah, I’m really not sure about all of that.

Man: You should think about that. See you later.

After the last few statements one would think that he was a recruiter. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t. If he was trying to recruit me he did a poor job of it. No pamphlets or sales pitch. Once again, I was left wondering where is he going now? Is he from out-of-town just exploring? Did he escape from somewhere? Is he a college Johnny Appleseed, planting ideas of military enrollment for free school? I will never know.

Until next rambling……….

How to Properly Waste Time

I’ve come to realize that what keeps people reading this thing is new postings. I still cannot fathom people being unsatisfied with reading the same posts over and over again. The trick is not only having something to write about but also setting some time aside to actually write. I figured today, I’d throw a little bone to the readers. I’ll shed a little light onto what I’ve been doing instead of writing these little bits of hilarity. Besides watching YouTube videos and updating my fantasy football team, I’ve been filling my brain with comedy television. So here are some of my favorites. These are not all of my favorites, only the ones I feel the need to set the DVR to record. In no particular order, here they are.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

If I were a TV show I would marry this one. The jokes in this one just don’t stop. Apparently, these three guys were all struggling actor friends in L.A. In an attempt to make a movie, they made a short film as a sort of trailer in order to sell it to the studios. Some one down the line made a very smart decision and put it on FX as a show. I love that it’s on a cable network because they can use some words you couldn’t use on network TV.

Episode to Watch: Pretty much any of them that may include Green Man.

Free Radio

I discovered this little gem very recently. After some research, I’ve learned that the gentleman behind this is Lance Krall. I have never heard of the guy, but using my YouTube skills I have found some really funny videos. Apparently this show was on VH1 for a while, which would explain why I have never seen it before now. The premise, which is based on a sort of defunct radio show with a “Moron in the Morning”, allows Krall to improvise with celebrities playing themselves. Thanks for predecessors like Dr. Katz, Extras and Curb Your Enthusiasm for paving the way for this show. Like Dr. Katz, I sort of wish the bits with celebs were a little bit longer. Unlike Dr. Katz, I love the way that the comedians don’t just put in part of their standup act. It’s Krall that’s making the jokes and making the celebrities follow along. The supporting cast makes it even better. 

Episode to watch: Besides the one the clip below is from,  the best is the episode with the assistant with Downs Syndrome recounting lines from Raging Bull and From Dusk Till Dawn.

The Office

I couldn’t call this list complete without throwing a bone to NBC Thursday nights. I recently read an article that stated Thursday nights on NBC were losing out to other networks. In my opinion, The Office is still going strong. I’ve noticed Office fans are divided between the British version and the American version. I agree, the British version is much funnier when you compare the first season. Mainly because the American version copied it almost exactly. I think the American version has grown into its own beast of comedy. I’m not sure it’s fair to compare the two right now. I’ve heard some complaints that the American version is getting too sappy with the whole Jim and Pam thing. Sappy yes, but they manage to throw comedy in the same touchy feely scene. You’re not sure if you should be crying or laughing. Your head feels like it’s going to explode. In a good way. The prime example is this clip of J&P getting married. If you follow these so-called viral videos, you’ll recognize this for sure. Bottom line, this show doesn’t stop being funny, even if one of the funniest characters is from the sub-par Cornell.

What to watch:

Community

Community started off as a disappointment, but I think is getting better. I still think the show as a whole needs some work, but the players are great. Senior Chang, the spanish teacher is great. Or, as some people call him, El Chino Tigre. He’s played by Ken Jeong, who you might recognize from some recent movies. (The Hangover, Knocked Up, The Goods) This guy is apparently a real MD and is sort of a genius. Chevy Chase makes his presence known and is actually funnier than I expected. He’s still Chevy Chase though. I almost feel bad for him. Besides our friend Karly’s future ex-husband Joel McHale, the real stars on this show are Danny Pudi and Donald Glover. They prove to be somewhat of comedic duo on the show, but they really shine during the credits. I had never heard of these two before and for good reason. They haven’t done much before this. Pudi really hasn’t done much before besides commercial,s while Glover (yes he’s black, but no relation to Danny, you racist) has apparently had his share in stand up and comedy trouping. He’s like the black Andy Samberg. Here’s a little taste of the duo.

What to watch: I still cannot figure out if I should even be DVRing it.

Parks and Recreation

On to Parks and Recreation. This is in fact on my DVR as we speak and I do watch it. This is sort of like Community. As a matter of  fact I commonly refer to this show and accidentally call it Community even though Parks and Rec was on long before. Same scenario. Flimsy premise, great actors. Each Episode provides a not so funny situation (I believe they try and make it funny) with some really funny characters. While Rashida Jones is nice to look at, she will perpetually be the straight man. The break out actor in this one is Aziz Ansari. He is almost another version of Jim Halpert. Which is odd because Anasari’s character is Tom Haverford. I’m a little disappointed that this show began like a remake of the Office, which is a remake in itself. Alas, this show too is working out the kinks and bringing the funny, for the most part. Here’s Amy Poehler pretending to be Micheal Scott.

What to watch: The Halloween episode. It has Louis C.K being not as funny.

30 Rock

Tina Fey is a comedic genius. She somehow overlooks Tracy Morgan’s craziness for the good of man kind. This show throws jokes at you so fast that  you must have your finger on the re-play button. This cast is full of funny people, but it’s success all relies on Fey’s funny writing. Of course there is credit due to Alec Baldwin, who is so funny I have a hard time believing he called his daughter a bitch. I guess he’s guaranteed a spot on SNL for a reason. A funny quote: “Orange and black decorations.  Is this Halloween?  Or a Princeton Parents’ Weekend?  I don’t know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.”

What to watch: Just add the whole series to your Netflix queue and unplug your phone for a couple of days.

Of course there is also Fox’s Sunday line up, but that is starting to go the way of Southpark. Still funny, but meh.

Also worth mentioning, The might Boosh. Joe recommended I watch this. It is indeed on my DVR. I started to watch it, but could not get into it. Maybe I need to get in a British humor mood. I’ll warm up by watching Coupling, Black Adder, and People Like Us.

Until next time, happy watching.

I like to call it the 317th day of the year

I would classify myself as semi superstitious. I don’t believe that if you break a mirror you get bad luck. (I mean, maybe you already have bad luck and that’s why it broke.) I don’t own anything “lucky” and have a hard time buying into anything involving indoor umbrellas, the underside of a ladder and rarely ever pick up a penny from the ground even if it is face up.

I’d like to think that luck is just what it implies. You can’t obtain good luck from a shoe, underwear or any other physical item. I can’t say that I am particularly lucky or unlucky. I can say I am the luckiest man in the world for being married to the best gal in the world. *wink* All of this is not to say that I don’t play with chance. I still do wierd things like flip a coin to make a decision. On numerous occasions I have flipped a coin to decide which shirt to wear. I’m sure this sounds extremely ridiculous because I am the one that designates which item gets heads and which one gets tails. The most ridiculous part is that I usually use some sort of association with using my head to decide which side of the fence I should lean towards. A good example is if a friend called me and asked if I wanted to go out for a beer but I need to get up early for work, school etc. I know very well that it could never be one beer and even if it was, I would not be home until too late. Thus, a pickle. In a normal situation I would flip a coin and if it lands on heads I would stay in for the night because that’s the smart thing to do. I have also been known to flip the coin more than once and play a sort of, best of two out of three game. 

I have also been known to be a creature of habit with material items. For instance, during the last presidential election my wife and I were blessed with a box of Obama swag. How we got it will have to be another time. In the box was a mug with his mug on it. It is definitely beyond tacky. I wouldn’t say I was especially gung-ho about the guy, but I also thought he was the best choice at the time. I guess it’s because I’ve never had a presidential mug, but I use that dang thing whenever I get the chance. If it’s clean, it’s the first one I go for in the morning. I don’t think it gives me special powers or even decides what kind of day I’m going to have. I just seem to subconsciously love it.

While I hate when people use the phrase “I digress”, I do…or am….or……

People do all sorts of wierd things in the name of luck or chance or superstition. Naturally, as today is Friday the 13th I expected people to go nuts. To my surprise, I’m not sure a lot of people even realize the date. I personally don’t take stock in it. I looked up some things about the origins and will not bore you with what I found. Let’s just say the origins of this unlucky day are unclear, not completely known and up to debate. It’s just a day right? I thought that was the case until I was almost killed by two different crazy drifters within two minutes today. The first was a woman who was crossing the street towards me while the light was red. Not a big deal in itself as long as she walked quickly. She didn’t. The truck that was coming towards her slowed down as far as I could tell, but still somehow made her mad. Mad enough to throw what ever piece of garbage she had in her hand at his windshield. I’m still surprised he didn’t stop and show her the kind of pain you’re dealt when you mess with a guy who drives a big truck. So, as she walked past me I turned to see if anything else was about to happen. Within seconds, she stopped and looked back at me. I really thought she was coming after me. She wasn’t. After I walked across the street and turned the corner I saw a man in front of the downtown library. I saw him just in time to watch him run full speed towards a concrete trash can that was firmly attached to the ground. Once he arrived at the trash can, instead of slowing down, he put his foot out and kicked it. He managed to do this a couple time before I crossed the street out of fear he might spot me. As I walked past (on the other side of the street) he some how got it detached. He then proceeded to lift it and throw it on the ground repeatedly. I’ve never actually seen any on PCP, but I’m pretty sure he was on it. It was then I realized what today was.

It makes me wonder if it’s the day that makes the people crazy, or the already crazy people who use the day as an excuse. One year on FTT, some real pathetic a-holes decided it would be awesome to drive through the park that I live by and chase dog walkers. No joke, it was terrible. Apparently, they chased people on to the picnic tables and ended up hitting one of the dogs.

On that depressing note, I am really lucky today. I haven’t even been asked what exactly I have been doing this whole time. I’m sure the sound of the keys pounding away give the allusion of some sort of work, but I still have nothing to show for it. Does anybody have an important document they can send for the purpose of putting my name on it and taking credit?

What to do next. Let me ask my magic 8 ball.

What the “Freecreditreport.com” Songster Hath Wrought

I was in New Mexico for about two days, and I must have seen this commercial four to five times.  It’s the kind of thing that sticks with you, like the aftereffects of a stroke.

Evidently, there appears to be some audience to which this kind of commercial appeals.   Right?  There must be.  It’s from the same playbook as the “Freecreditreport.com” commercials — come up with a catchy, 30-second jingle, add some lyrics that reference your product (or website!), ignore the glaring non sequitors between what’s being sung and the website’s purpose, and you’ve got yourself a commercial.  Have some everykid sing it and dance around in hipster clothing, and wait for the accolades.

Because if you’ve got some problem, whether it be identity theft or a languishing standard of living, it’s nothing that a fancy website can’t solve.  Clearly, if you didn’t do well in high school, you’re probably suffering the ignominy of having to carry around ketchup and mustard bottles on a tray for a living.  You want more money?  Just check the internets!  There are tests you can take — for free, no less! — and they’ll tell you what to do for a living.  (Someone finally found a way to reintroduce the worst myths of communism as a great way to find your purpose in life: just take a test and we’ll tell you what to do for a living.  Free.)  In one quick fade, you’ll go from waiting tables — chump! — to spinning around on your office chair, flailing around with your laptop and earning $25,000 more per year.  What more could you ask for?

What is the target audience for a commercial like this?  Someone out of high school and easily susceptible to the smooth hooks of a boy band song, I suppose.  I think there’s a reason Ben Stein was fired from the NY Times for becoming a pitchman for one of these sites.  These things are basically scams, right?  Like that time I completed a survey on the promise that I would get a PDA in exchange.  They peddle the idea that the internet is a panacea that can solve your problems with the simple completion of a form or free test, and then you’ll be on your way to office-chair-spinning heaven.   They just kind of gloss over a few things . . . like the fact that getting your credit report does not stop someone from stealing your identity.  Sure, you’ll find out about it more quickly, but it’s not going to stop the bad thing(s) from happening.  It’s kind of like monitoring the police band to prevent someone from murdering your mother: pretty much ineffective to achieve the desired ends. And finding out what a little survey tells you about where to go to college isn’t going to pay the tuition and fees, or do your homework and take tests.  You’ll still be carrying those ketchup and mustard bottles around for a few years.  But hey, at least during those few years, you’ll have this cool tune to hum quietly to yourself.

Blog Entry Winner(s)

Besides the fact that I’m very disappointed at the lack of submissions in this month’s contest, we have two winners. A tie resulted from only two contestants. They know who they are. In regards to the prize, I will be mailing out something neat for the one winner who is not a contributor to this blog.  So, with no delay……….

Has anyone out there met Krista? I have, and am happy to say she is great. I could go on and on about how she is an experienced traveler, or how she gives out the best candy on Halloween. I could even mention that she always remembers to say hello to the doorman in her building. Instead, I’ve decided to write about the little known facts about Krista that no one else knows.

Fact: Once, when Krista was on vacation in Dubai, she over heard a couple on their honeymoon talking about how the hotel botched their reservations. Instead of ignoring them and going on her way to enjoy the Camel Races, she turned and offered the couple her room for half the price and caught the next plane home. This was just Krista’s way of helping out two people who really needed it. When she arrived home, her family questioned why she was home two-weeks early. She could have told the truth and boasted about her kindness, but instead she told them all that her hotel had been sold and none of the previous reservations were being honored. She ended up spending that entire two week period at home doing what she does best. Being great.

Fact: Krista was once given the opportunity to meet one of her favorite television stars. There was an announcement on the radio that said star would be in the studio from 8-12 that morning. Krista rushed out the door. As she was walking down the street, she noticed a young girl slip and fall on the icy sidewalk. She knew she only had a short period of time to get to the studio, but she also knew the importance of being great. First she checked on the little girl. The girl was fine since she was so young and her bones were young and rubbery. Krista knew she needed to do her part. She immediately went to the nearest hardware store and bought salt, sand, and some rope. She spent the rest of the morning securing the slippery sidewalk. First, she spread the salt all over up and down the sidewalk. Second, she spread dirt over the salt to creat some traction for those walking done the sidewalk. Third, she used the rope to fashion a make shift hand rail by tying one end to the light pole at the start of the street and the other to the bus stop sign at the end of the street. She never did get to meet the television star, but when they told her story on the local news, the television star realized her greatness and began her quest for greatness herself. That actress was Julia Louis Dreyfus. True story.

Fact: Krista was once awarded the prize of “Most Blood Donated” by her local United Blood Services chapter. She didn’t know it at the time, but she was blessed with a gene that reproduces blood five times faster than normal. This is the reason that Krista was able to give blood every week and sometimes 2-3 times a week if they were short. Even though Krista is terrified of needles, she powered through and constantly faced her fear. They began to call her Sister Krista. They even went as far as changing the lyrics to a Night Ranger song to tell her story. The chorus included the lines: “Your blood giving/at an impressive rate/We just think your great.”

So, if you’ve never met Krista, get out to a local blood bank and find her. I think we can all learn a lesson from Krista the great.

Mouthbreather claims he really can’t help it

Helena Strelow, Staff Reporter

Magalia Messanger

A  California man has begun a protest against the term “Mouth Breather”. Robert Hargrave, a resident of  Magalia has recently made his frustration over the term public. Hargrave was diagnosed with adenoidtis as a young child and has had trouble breathing through his nose most of his life.  He believes calling people mouth breathers is a derogatory term towards those that have nasal conditions and plans to make his cause known worldwide. Hargrave, a retired librarian says he has had enough with the slurs. “When I first heard the term, I thought is was just a reference to those with similar conditions. After a while I figured out what they were talking about. Now, I just want it to stop because we are not all idiots.”

Working as a librarian, Hargrave had to learn to breath through only his mouth due to the constant whistling his nasal passages caused. “A library is no place for a continuous high pitch whistle.”, says Hargrave. He says he already dealt with discrimination in the work place when his former boss once asked him to stamp books outside. After a long fight and a couple of lawsuits, his former employer agreed to let him work inside as long as he would  breathe through his mouth. Hargrave adds, “Everyone always talks about the Japanese interments out here, but no one realizes the trouble nasally challenged people have every day, even now.”

Hargrave first learned of the term mouth breather as an insult when he was at the post office. As he was standing in line, another customer yelled that the line would move faster if there weren’t so many mouth breathers employed there. Hargrave says he was confused first, then went home and searched Wikipedia. What he found upset him greatly. “I remember my first reaction was anger. Then, after I had a glass of water to moisten my mouth, I called my senator.” , says Hargrave. After his senator allegedly hung up on him under the assumption that the  phone call was a joke, Hargrave called the governor. After many calls and many terminated phone calls he eventually got a response from the towns comptroller, who also is Hargrave’s brother-in-law Anthony Toon.

Toon says at first he too thought it was all a joke. “At the time I couldn’t take him seriously.”, stated Toon. “He really does have this annoying way of always hanging his mouth open, so I thought he was making light of the situation.” Once Hargrave convinced Toon he was serious the two started a fundraising group, We Don’t Because We Can’t. A name referencing why some don’t breath through their noses. “We expect to be in front of congress soon.”, says Hargrave. “We need to let people know that while all stupid people do walk around with their mouths agape, not all with their mouths agape are stupid.”

 Hargrave believes that eventually, the term Mouth Breather will be just as offensive as other discriminatory slurs.

Is this thing on?

I’ve noticed a lack of comments people. What’s the dilly-yo? Is it my lack of creativity? Is it my body? Or Someone I might be? You better tell me.

Seriously though, what gives? Did you not understand about the contest? There is a prize involved folks. From the RI prize box.

Okay, how’s abouts some costumes for today.

So let’s start with a real creepy one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is it just me or does one of them look like a genie? I also like how Pappa Smurf is just chillin with his hands in his pockets. Um, is the gay one Happy? I understand he looks extremely happy in this picture, but was his name happy? Too much to comment on. Maybe a future caption contest for RI readers. (Joke’s on me, there are none)

How about another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Umm. Wow. This ranks up there with me dressing as Steve Urkel in elementary school. Yes, face paint and all. I’ll let you take a break and think about this one for a while.

This one is funny on a number of levels. I thought the idea was clever, but not a ton of effort. Also, is ‘The Facebook’ different from just ‘Facebook’?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please, please, never let your child dress like this

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the last one…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This guy is the worst. I hate when people think they can be two different characters at the same time.

So there it is folks. This years dos and don’ts for the Ween.